List of Barter Items

For more information on an individual item please click it. To suggest new items to add to this list please click this link.

A

AM/FM Radio

If somehow you can still tolerate the news, keep up to date with important events.

Anusol (25g)

Treats a pain in the arse. Potential remedy for Brexit.

Axe

An essential tool for chopping down trees, making firewood and scaring off beaurocrats from Brussels.

B

Banana (straight)

Easily packed for long foraging trips.

Battery (car)

Essential for a car. Useful for other things.

Beans (magic)

For planting in soft soil. These will grow into a magic plant capable of transporting you to otherwise unreachable places.

Beans (tinned)

High in protein, a good source of fibre and one of your five a day. Great post-Brexit fare.

Blanket

Good for keeping you warm at night and sitting on at a picnic. Can also be used to protect the modesty of climate protesters in the House of Commons.

Blue Peter Badge

A small badge signifying hard work and a special talent.

Blue UK passport

Quality French-made document.

Boris Johnson

It is wise to avoid these if possible. Best broken down and used for parts if you can't.

C

Carrot

Helps you see in the dark. Can also be used as a vegetable.

Chainsaw

Make light work of cutting things down and chopping things up. Don't forget to oil the chain though.

Chlorinated chicken

Source of protein we too can experience post-Brexit. Enables poultry farmers to stop bothering with pesky good-hygiene practices which will be an important money-saver when their EU subsidies are removed.

Coffee (instant)

Keeps you alert if you've been chosen for shopping trolley guard duty.

Cow

Good source of meat and milk (though not both at once). Best to stick with the latter for maximum value. Traditionally bartered with beans (magic).

D

Diesel (1 litre)

For use in generators, farm machinery, boats and ill-advised car purchases.

Disposable barbecue

Easily start wild fires with this flammable piece of landfill. Can also be used for burning sausages

E

Euro

Unknown item 😜

F

First Aid Kit

As an already under-funded NHS fails because it can't be run on barter items, one of these could literally be a life-saver.

Fishing Rod

Don't wait for someone to give you a fish. Get yourself one of these and you'll be able to get your own fish.

Flying Flamingo

Only one known to be in existence, currently believed to be in the possession of John Bercow

G

Garden Bridge

An idyllic, pastoral bridge over the Thames. Much like Johnson's technological solution for the Irish Border, it goes nowhere and doesn't actually exist.

Gold 10g

The ultimate barter item, can be traded for almost anything.

Guitar (acoustic)

Great for playing by a campfire.

H

Hammer

A versatile tool used for construction or for percussive maintenance on vehicles.

Hat

Keeps the sun off in summer and keeps your head warm in winter.

Heirloom seeds

Growing your own food is likely to become a necessity as food shortages become the norm. These could prove a great investment.

Henning Wehn show ticket

Henning Wehn is the German Comedy Ambassador to the UK and already actively peddling his show tickets as barter items for a post-Brexit UK. Keep your morale up and maintain close ties to Europe, whatever your Brexit persuasion.

Hot water bottle

Great for keeping you toasty warm. Works best with a blanket. Hot water not included.

I

Isopropyl alcohol

Used as a disinfectant and all round useful cleaning product. Can also be used as fuel if desperate.

J

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Near worthless as a whole but can be broken down for parts

Jumper cable

Flat battery? No problem if you can jump start your vehicle from another.

K

Kayak

Embrace the new nomadic lifestyle of post-Brexit UK and navigate the waterways of Britain with ease.

Kidney (human)

Highly valuable on the black market to which we will maintain full, tariff-free access post-Brexit

L

Lentils (500g)

High in protein and carbohydrates, and easy to store.

Light bulb (incandescent)

Doesn't last very long and highly inefficient. A great metaphor for the current UK government. Can also be used for lighting.

Light bulb (LED)

Not perfect but under constant development and significantly better than what came before it. Much like the EU.

Lotion (100ml)

For rubbing on your skin and avoiding the hose.

M

Magic Money Tree

Useful for creative budgeting.

Mattress

Great for getting a good night's sleep. Goes well with a blanket.

Meat (1kg fresh)

Not suitable for vegetarians or vegans but a good source of protein for everyone else.

Meat (tinned)

Fresh meat's disappointing cousin. A good source of protein nonetheless. Still not suitable for vegetarians or vegans.

Mysterious Amulet

Purely a collector's item... or is it.

N

Nails/Screws (100)

Useful for new construction projects or emergency repairs or fortifications.

Nappy

Parliament may have s**t the bed but there's no reason your little ones should suffer the same fate.

Nigel Farage

Investment banker, Donald Trump fan-boy and representative of "ordinary British people".

Nuclear power plant spares (full set)

Prevents nuclear catastrophe

O

Oats (500g)

High in protein and fibre, a versatile food.

Oil (cooking)

Helps you to cook some tasty food.

Oil (engine)

Keeps your vehicles and powered tools running smoothly.

P

Pet food (tinned)

High in protein. Great barter item, especially when label is removed. Gives you a glossy coat.

Petrol (1 litre)

Great for powering cars, motorbikes and producing noxious fumes.

Plastic bag

Once a common sight in supermarkets the country over. If you need a bag it's better than nothing but only just.

Potato

A versatile vegetable which, whilst not contributing to your five a day, does double as a battery.

Pumpkin

Large, round, mostly tasteless when raw, and often displaying a disturbing face. See also "Boris Johnson".

Q

Q-tips

Good for first aid and for keeping your ears free of wax. (Warning: Don’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear)

R

Rat (frozen)

Disappointing but environmentally friendly and sustainable meat product. Value will rise if it becomes the sole source of protein available. Play the financial markets and stock up now.

Rice (500g)

Versatile, easy to store and easy to cook, an all-round useful food.

Rope

Good for skipping and lots of other things. The stronger the better, a good rope is invaluable but not very valuable.

Rucksack

Carry your supplies easily. The more pockets the better.

S

Salt (5g)

Great for making oven-ready meals / deals more palatable

Saw

An essential wood-working tool. Goes well with an axe for making firewood.

Shoes (pair)

Much the same as boots, these are made for walking. Make sure they're your size and sufficiently sturdy.

Shopping trolley

Great for pushing stuff around in. Full of useful parts to craft your own items. More valuable than you might think.

Silver (10g)

Not as valuable as gold but useful for defending yourself against vampires and werewolves.

Soap

Look good, feel good... especially if you can wash in something other than rainwater.

Socks (pair)

These go particularly well with shoes. May also be used as filter to make coffee... apparently.

Solar Charger

Arguably better than a potato.

Spoon

Useful for eating food, and for summoning Uri Geller.

Spork

Can't decide whether to use a fork or a spoon? The spork is for you. Good for self defence in the event of being attacked by an ice cream sundae.

Swiss Army Knife

Defending Switzerland from invaders since 1897. An indespensible tool for Brexit survivors.

T

Tea bag

Everything is better with a cup of tea.

Tin foil (roll)

Easily accessible (for now) multi-use item. Ward off aliens, help your plants grow, enhance antennas and much more besides. Good investment item as its value will grow as we slip towards a Mad Max style existence.

Tin opener

Excellent for opening tins but a bit of a one trick pony so not particularly valuable.

Toilet Roll

Does this really require an explanation?

Torch (LED)

In the inevitable power outages we will face in a post-Brexit UK, a torch will light your way.

U

Umbrella

Keeps you dry and/or in the shade, depending on the weather.

Unicorn

Solution to all post-Brexit problems. Sadly, mythical.

V

Vacuum cleaner

For clearing up the Brexit shitstorm

Vegetables (1kg fresh)

Suitable for everyone. You should be eating five portions of these a day. Good luck.

Vegetables (tinned)

Suitable for everyone. Not as nice as fresh but better than nothing and lasts a lot longer.

Vodka (750ml)

Alcoholic potato juice. Mmmm.

W

Water (1 litre filtered)

Not only will this water not kill you, it is absolutely essential for you to live. Win-win.

Water (1 litre rain)

Ok for washing in once the water supply runs dry. Should be filtered before drinking it.

Water Filtration Unit

Get one. You'll regret it if you don't.

X

Xylophone

Keep up morale and attempt to summon the ghost of Patrick Moore with a rousing Xylophone solo.

Y

Yarn/Wool

Don’t know how to knit? Now wold be a good time to learn, so wool will be essential.

Yarrow

All round useful medicinal plant, use the leaves or the root.

Yeast

You can use it to make bread and beer, what more do you need to know?

Yorkshire pudding

This hearty side dish is part of the traditional Sunday roast. Filling and cheap to produce these are good post-Brexit fare but of little barter worth.

Z

Zip/cable ties (100)

Good for quick repairs and construction. Can also make a serviceable set of handcuffs.

Ziploc bags (50)

Used to keep your food supplies clean and dry.