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If somehow you can still tolerate the news, keep up to date with important events.
Treats a pain in the arse. Potential remedy for Brexit.
An essential tool for chopping down trees, making firewood and scaring off beaurocrats from Brussels.
Easily packed for long foraging trips.
Essential for a car. Useful for other things.
For planting in soft soil. These will grow into a magic plant capable of transporting you to otherwise unreachable places.
High in protein, a good source of fibre and one of your five a day. Great post-Brexit fare.
Good for keeping you warm at night and sitting on at a picnic. Can also be used to protect the modesty of climate protesters in the House of Commons.
Quality French-made document.
It is wise to avoid these if possible. Best broken down and used for parts if you can't.
For use in generators, farm machinery, boats and ill-advised car purchases.
Unknown item 😜
The ultimate barter item, can be traded for almost anything.
Great for playing by a campfire.
A versatile tool used for construction or for percussive maintenance on vehicles.
Keeps the sun off in summer and keeps your head warm in winter.
Growing your own food is likely to become a necessity as food shortages become the norm. These could prove a great investment.
Henning Wehn is the German Comedy Ambassador to the UK and already actively peddling his show tickets as barter items for a post-Brexit UK. Keep your morale up and maintain close ties to Europe, whatever your Brexit persuasion.
Used as a disinfectant and all round useful cleaning product. Can also be used as fuel if desperate.
Near worthless as a whole but can be broken down for parts
Flat battery? No problem if you can jump start your vehicle from another.
Embrace the new nomadic lifestyle of post-Brexit UK and navigate the waterways of Britain with ease.
High in protein and carbohydrates, and easy to store.
Doesn't last very long and highly inefficient. A great metaphor for the current UK government. Can also be used for lighting.
Not perfect but under constant development and significantly better than what came before it. Much like the EU.
For rubbing on your skin and avoiding the hose.
Not suitable for vegetarians or vegans but a good source of protein for everyone else.
Fresh meat's disappointing cousin. A good source of protein nonetheless. Still not suitable for vegetarians or vegans.
Purely a collector's item... or is it.
Useful for new construction projects or emergency repairs or fortifications.
Parliament may have s**t the bed but there's no reason your little ones should suffer the same fate.
Investment banker, Donald Trump fan-boy and representative of "ordinary British people".
High in protein. Great barter item, especially when label is removed. Gives you a glossy coat.
Great for powering cars, motorbikes and producing noxious fumes.
A versatile vegetable which, whilst not contributing to your five a day, does double as a battery.
Good for first aid and for keeping your ears free of wax. (Warning: Don’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear)
An essential wood-working tool. Goes well with an axe for making firewood.
Much the same as boots, these are made for walking. Make sure they're your size and sufficiently sturdy.
Great for pushing stuff around in. Full of useful parts to craft your own items. More valuable than you might think.
Not as valuable as gold but useful for defending yourself against vampires and werewolves.
Look good, feel good... especially if you can wash in something other than rainwater.
These go particularly well with shoes. May also be used as filter to make coffee... apparently.
Arguably better than a potato.
Useful for eating food, and for summoning Uri Geller.
Can't decide whether to use a fork or a spoon? The spork is for you. Good for self defence in the event of being attacked by an ice cream sundae.
Defending Switzerland from invaders since 1897. An indespensible tool for Brexit survivors.
Everything is better with a cup of tea.
Excellent for opening tins but a bit of a one trick pony so not particularly valuable.
Does this really require an explanation?
In the inevitable power outages we will face in a post-Brexit UK, a torch will light your way.
Suitable for everyone. You should be eating five portions of these a day. Good luck.
Suitable for everyone. Not as nice as fresh but better than nothing and lasts a lot longer.
Not only will this water not kill you, it is absolutely essential for you to live. Win-win.
Ok for washing in once the water supply runs dry. Should be filtered before drinking it.
Get one. You'll regret it if you don't.
Keep up morale and attempt to summon the ghost of Patrick Moore with a rousing Xylophone solo.
Don’t know how to knit? Now wold be a good time to learn, so wool will be essential.
All round useful medicinal plant, use the leaves or the root.
You can use it to make bread and beer, what more do you need to know?
This hearty side dish is part of the traditional Sunday roast. Filling and cheap to produce these are good post-Brexit fare but of little barter worth.